Sinzine

 

 

This leads me on to what's going through my noggin this week. I want to adopt children. Not the previously mentioned children of rape or the kinds which need to be on more medication than I do because I couldn't stand somebody taking the spotlight off me, but a nice one who doesn't ask weird questions about how me and my partner have sex without a vagina, or why her Grandfather used to call her "Cumdump". It can't be Mexican either. I shagged a Mexican once and couldn't get the taste of jalapeno cheese off the back of my throat for a month.

 

 

I was investigating adopting the other day out of curiousity, and read that it's customary for the new parents to write a letter to the child they're interested in taking home from the zoo, which got me thinking. Mostly I think about what it'd be like to own a race of super-vicious dwarves who I could set on people who said mean things about me. Which weirdly enough, isn't too different to adopting kids is it, so it makes sense that my mind wandered onto this subject.

 

 

So, I went away and thought about what my letter would say. Me and my partner agreed that we'd have to include a lot of 'we' statements, but given that he signed a legal document when we got together relinquishing him of all human rights, it'd come from my narrative. Here's what I came up with: 

 

 

 

"Dear Burden on Society,

 

 

My name is ****** and I'm considering letting you sponge off of me for the next fuck knows how long! Yay! You didn't come out of my tummy because I had my womb seized by government officials when I was caught smuggling Eastern Europeans into the country inside it - but that's ok. We all know that we'll just pretend that you did anyway. For this purpose I have constructed a synthetic womb made of the same rubbery material that they use for sex toys that men fuck when they're too fat/ethnic to get real pussy, which is a VALID LIFE CHOICE. You will be expected to sit in said womb while I parade around town complaining about how fat my ankles are and headbutting old women when they ask me when it's due, because I'm scared of the childbirth pain. If someone quips "Wow, you're huge, there must be two in there!" you are to immediately blow their brains out with the rifle I will also provide in the womb - I'm sensitive about my weight you see. I'm also making a fake umbilical cord which I insert in the end of my penis and plug into your bellybutton - I figure it's pretty much the same concept as a placenta. If you don't like it I'll find you a real placenta and make you eat it, like those mental French women who don't shave do.

 

 

I have a partner who is my favourite person in the world - he has a great understading of how to get the best out of people and make them happy. For example - when I'm sad he dresses up as a Nazi doctor and performs obscene but sexy medical experiments on me. He even bought me my very own defibrillator to use as a prostate massager because everything else stopped working. See how nice your new family are?! He likes to play music and used to be in his very own rock and roll band! That's how we met actually. I fancied the lead singer but the lead singer turned out to be a massive cunt, so I drunkenly shagged his guitarist in hope that he'd put his head in a jar of acid. I can't tell if he actually did put his head in a jar of acid or not, that thing was a wreck to begin with anyway. Anyway, fucking the guitarist was alright - I needed somewhere to sleep and he'd been making the foul mistake of sleeping with girls previously, so we did each other a favour. He gave me somewhere to lay my head, and I gave him a one way ticket out of Narnia and into Rickymartinsville. He's now so gay that sometimes he joins in when I yell "WANT ANOTHER CREAM CAKE LOVE?!" at fat girls. See, no matter what anybody says, being gay is not only a choice, but clearly also a disease which is very much contagious and can only be cured by believing in the Bible. You best start brushing up on your knowledge of the good book before you come live here, because you're a little girl and that means our disease would turn you into a lesbian. Everybody knows that lesbians exist purely as a comedy device - nobody takes them seriously. You want to be taken seriously don't you? Then don't dine at the buffet of beave. It's pretty simple.

 

 

I love animals - I have 3 pet snakes! They're called Bubbles, Athena and Akasha. I'm supposed to feed them defrosted rats, but instead I go down to the local abortion clinic and feed them the waste product being hoovered out of 15 year old girls while their parents hold them down. I find it provides a more balanced diet for the snakes - they especially love it when the waste product isn't quite waste yet and wiggles a bit. That really gets their feeding response going. This will be one of your weekly chores, so you'd better brush up on your gynaecology knowledge as sometimes the doctors refuse to let you have it, so you have to stab them in the throat with a pen and perform the procedure yourself. The first time I did it there was some kind of issue with blood clotting, so the girl died, but then her parents got to adopt too, so it was all balanced out on the universal scales. I thought it was a shame that a girl so young was pregnant in the first place. Once my friend said that straight men think "If she's old enough to bleed, she's old enough to breed!" but I think that's silly because even the smallest of children bleed if you poke them with something pointy, but they aren't able to conceive. Unless they have that weird condition where their twin's growing inside their own body... I hope you don't have that. If you do I'm definitely sending you back via first class recorded delivery and requesting a refund. I'd be worried that it'd have a mind of its own and would burst out of your chest like in that Ridley Scott film about Sigourney Weaver's skeletor face, and then I'd have a dead kid, a weird foetus hybrid monster, and an angry social worker on my hands.

 

 

All in all I think I've covered most things about us and hope that you're really excited to find a family who want to provide you with a long term, loving home, who want you to be theirs and aren't going to try to go for 'permanent foster carer' status because foster carers get paid and I think that's a pretty shitty copout.

 

 

Please find enclosed a picture album of me and my partner on our yearly trip abroad - this year we went to Iran to see how many women we could get executed by double penetrating them in public. But then we realised that was way too much effort and should just slip a book in their bags when they aren't looking and wait for it to kick off quietly. My score was 11, my other half's was 4. Something tells me his heart wasn't in it. Next year we're planning on going to Jamaica to see if we can spell our own name from the sky with gay men who have been set on fire. We'd be delighted if you joined us!

 

 

 

Much love, your new Mumma,

 

 

****** xxxx" 

 

 

 

What do you think? I think she'll be so excited to come and join our family. That's definitely a better existence for an adopted child than the life a thousand little bastards every year get from their biological family who were too fucking stupid to plan ahead, use a condom, or remember to take the fucking pill. I know that I think it's better for a child to be born to natural parents who have no fucking clue, without regulations or legal papers or any interference from social services whatsoever, than for a couple who can't have their own children or who aren't selfish enough to assume that preserving their own DNA line is more important than saving a child's life who already exists, to be allowed the opportunity to take a child home and turn their life into something amazing. Makes perfect sense."