In just 3 weeks Club AntiChrist will celebrate its 7th birthday at the circus and as the date draws closer SinZine presents its penultimate profile of performers set to grace the AC stage on June 24th, in the process defiling another British broadcasting institution. Yes, after dining with the Shanklin Freak Show we now challenge real-life sideshow freaks Wunderkammer to a round of Desert Island Discs. Meets Lord of The Flies.
You might have all the PC will in the world, but there ain't no way you're coming away from an encounter with the two groups of Isle of Wight inhabitants due to invade London on Club AntiChrist's birthday without conceding that, at its core, The Wicker Man stereotype of residents of the more remote British Isles could just contain a grain of truth. Native circus rockers the Shanklin Freak Show's deviant uh, tastes are one variety of freaky, but their pals in 'Wunderkammer' - an extreme performance troupe who'll be packing broken glass, bowling balls and a bed of nails for the boat ride over - possess high pain thresholds, and a preference for publicly pushing these to the limit that, which are truly something else. In their own words, here are the cast:
Nick Painless: After his spaceraft crash landed on Earth Nick's body was discovered by a military unit. Wanting to know more about him they conducted experiments, which left his skin scarred & bleached white. After escaping he started to work with occult members to try & regain what is left of his mind
Hel Painless: Mystery surrounds the age, background and often location of this immortal angel. It is believe she was once a great Celtic Warrior who travelled the World learning the powers of physical and mental combat. After falling in battle she was immortalized by an evil power to guard the gates of hell and to undertake assassin duties
Kwerky Kirk: Found as a small child and raised by circus freaks in a travelling show, he is now a member of an occult society and rising through its ranks to learn secrets from the ancients of controlling elements. He is dedicated to the corruption of the weak minded and drawing power from your fears and nightmares.
The Gimp: Little is know of this creature except that he was discovered in the black forest in darkest Europe. Mute and horribly disfigured he hid from the human race feeding on insects and grubs, his isolation has left him mentally scarred and it recommended that you approach with caution!!
Here's the scenario we hit this foursome with; on route to AntiChrist - disaster strikes! The travelling party is shipwrecked and, ignoring for a second just how unlikely a great gust of southerly wind capable of blowing a ferry off course is, Wunderkammer wind-up washed-up on a desert island somewhere. Aside from the few luxuries that the BBC apparently provides in these situations, all our castaways are armed to ensure their survival is the bag of broken glass, bowling balls and other tools of the trade which they had packed when preparing to perform for the AC punters.
And so now we have the contestants on this island, it seems a mighty fine time to make check everybody can swim and that no parts of the act incur a serious risk of drowning in either brine or blood, right?
Nick: No I can’t swim, I don’t float very well with all the metal in me
Hel: I can swim but prefer land. Our intention isn’t for anyone to drown in blood
Kwerky: I don’t know that sounds fun
Nick: It would be good, we may add that one to the show, as a finale we could all disappear in a flood of blood
The Gimp: *Smiles and nods excitedly at the mention of blood*
Hel: He can swim a little but only does doggy paddle
Before we desecrate a Radio 4 institution completely, let's make a token attempt to do this properly and have your desert island discs. Which tunes provide the perfect soundtrack to Wunderkammer's gruesome stageshow? And which get you in the mood for some masochistic exhibitionism when you're getting set backstage?
Nick: The Deftones 'My Own Summer' because it IS My Summer and My Rules. This song just sounds as if it was written on adrenaline.
Kwerky: Nine Inch Nails 'Head Like a Hole', why? Well once you’ve seen the show it all becomes clear.
Hel: The Misfits – 'Descending Angel' because it makes me feel alive and Gothminister’s 'Happiness in Darkness' really makes me embrace the darkness of the show.
The Gimp: *Reaches for his iPod and plays Korn – Freak on a Leash.*
The classic format for this game also allows castaways a book of their choice. But is there any essential reading out there that can recommend the 'right' way to go about things, when the thing one seeks to master is a set of party tricks as dangerous as those in Wunderkammer's repertoire? And in lack of an instructional manual, is 'Practical First Aid' a suitably well-thumbed volume to substitute?
Nick: That’s easy either Snake Oil or Freak Like Me by Jim Rose, the man is a legend, there are so many ideas to develop our antics
Kwerky: The Dangerous Book for Boys, what else?!
Hel: The Book of Five Rings by Musashi Miyamoto, there is always more to learn and it’s as much about conditioning the mind as it is the body, you have to win the battle with yourself before you can win it against others. As for the first aid, that isn’t a problem, I’m immortal.
Nick: And Kwerky and myself are too powerful. Blood and pain doesn’t need first aid it needs a video camera and a bottle of JD.
Kwerky: The Gimp can’t read, so can we have a colouring book and crayons for him.
Your final bit of free-choice packing traditionally takes the form of a 'luxury item' - a gold-finished bed (or hammock) of nails, perhaps?
Hel: A ship!
Nick: An endless supply of cigarettes to stop us killing each other, oh and a load of waterproof matches.
Kwerky: A chainsaw so we can play chainsaw football for fun.
The Gimp: *Quickly scribes on his drawing pad and hands it to Nick*
Nick: He would like a kitten to train and be his friend
That concludes the contents of your standard BBC issue suitcase then, which presumably will now set sail behind you and arrive some weeks later. Until then, how will you be passing the time, using only those items you arrived with? We hear you're such keen darts players that you carry all the kit everywhere with you; any other good games in your box of tricks there to keep the desert island boredom away?
Nick: We are all about entertaining ourselves and others, so that won’t be a problem. With all the trees, rocks and everything about on the island I’m sure we can develop some more wild and wonderful ways to delight the audience, and ourselves.
Kwerky: We have bowing balls which I normally play with using my ears, but we could set them alight and throw them at each other.
Hel: The Gimp will be training his kitten.
In a lucky bit of foresight, it seems you did pack a few bottles of strong liquor to pass the time... but the contents only provided entertainment for the brief duration of that ferry ride. How will you now go about recycling the packaging:
a) send out a message in a bottle. Which reads...
Nick: It would read “It wasn’t us!”, mainly because it usually is us and we’d get blamed for the shipwreck so just want to make it clear we are innocent(ish) this time
b) break into tiny, razor sharp shards, and then proceed to...
Kwerky: Eat them!
Hel: I think we should keep some and make more liquor from local fruits we find.
Nick: We can collect some water in them to make up the liquor.
Hel: We can then ferment it in the bucket of glass we already have.
Nick: A bit of extra crunch to it.
Now, should it turn out this island has some native inhabitants, how do you approach? If they look like friendly folks, what's the ice-breaker act you'll be presenting to win over a new audience and some island allies? Or should they be sorts you think you'd like to drive away on sight, how about a particularly grim party piece that always has crowds gasping and gagging?
Nick: We would amaze them and show them how we control the elements. We all know blood is thicker than water so I prove to them how I can control blood flow by becoming a human pin cushion.
Kwerky: I would breathe huge flames of fire over their heads, The Gimp eats wild creatures.
The Gimp: *Grabs a live locust and eats it*
Hel: I’ll walk across the broken up glass as if walking in air
Kwerky: They would then see us as Gods
Nick: We would then recruit them as minions to help us on our quest for World Domination
On every hypothetical desert island there seems to come a time when in inhabitants must turn to cannibalism. We are interested to hear your answer to that old standard of who you'd eat first, but moreover we want to know what in your bag of tricks is going to do the best job of disposing of the unfortunate member of the company and then, in the absence of mam's best silver, serving them up in style?
Nick: The Gimp that’s what he’s there for!
Hel: I’m a vegetarian so I’ll just stick to the local vegetation
Nick: I’ll use my trusty fire axe to decapitate him, then skewer him on the bed of nails
Kwerky: We have plenty of paraffin so while Nick is doing that, and Hel is off picking fruit, I can start up a BBQ to roast him.
Hel: And the fruit, 5 a day and all that
Nick: We could serve him off a concrete slab and eat him with the throwing knives
Hel: All served up with some of the fruit liquor we made earlier. We’ll save the kitten though; he can be trained up to take over from The Gimp now he’s been eaten
Eventually spotting a helicopter overhead you find yourself without any flares. How are you going to get the attention of your potential rescuers? Or rather, which of the Wunderkammer tribe has gained the most valuable in experience of going up in flames onstage and will be drawing the short straw here?
Kwerky: We don’t need flares; I am a human flare but twice as powerful
Nick: If we can put paraffin on it we can burn it
Just before you're airlifted away to the mainland, answer us this one. You clearly all have a high tolerance for pain - but who would even you consider utterly torturous company to be cast away with?
Hel: Katie Price, although she’d probably make a good raft, she’d certainly float.
Nick: Justin “I feel like the Kurt Cobain of my generation” Bieber, can I use the fire axe and eat him instead. No? Okay can’t I just use the fire axe on him anyway and not eat him then?
Kwerky: There are just too many
Nick: Pretty much any fake celebrity or orange person
So there you go - first prize on Survivor surely awaits! Until then however, we can assure you that the situations described above are, like the idea of a third series of Survivor being commissioned, entirely hypothetical and the greater likelihood is that Wunderkammer will make it to AntiChrist on June 24th to entertain. So grab yourself a ticket and see more at www.painlessparties.co.uk
YouTube Links :
www.youtube.com/user/nickpainless#p/u/3/mEjVOnPUBCo (6 point superman suspension)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=UaooODFtLXo (Nick Painless on Snog, Marry, Avoid!)
