Disguised as the Isle of Wight's finest industrial circus rock act, Shanklin Freak Show are actually, as might be expected, a powerful alien master race. In the first installment of a surreal series of interviews with performers appearing at Club Antichrist's 7th birthday bash, Mavis from the Women's Institute visited them to extract the truth. And enjoy a spot of tea.
And so, it is with great trepidation that we accept an invitation to dinner with Shanklin Freak Show at their super super secret top secret base hidden cunningly in the town of Shanklin on the Isle of Wight. What unknown terrors could await us when singer and 'cult leader' Mr. Strange serves - torture, depravity, coarse language? Red wine with the fish course? Oh my.
Hello? Hello? Ah, hello Mr Strange! I've just off that funny little train at Shanklin. Can you send someone to pick me up?
Certainly! A legion of my robot monkeys are on their way to collect you. Just beware of their little robot cocks, they can get quite frisky around humans, and cold steel isn't very kind on the anus. See you in a few minutes my good man!
And so we arrive at the dark demonic lair of the nefarious outer-space demons. It looks remarkably like a charming village home, but the circus tent with burning virgins on gives it away a little. Not sure about those curtains though…
Ah good evening! Thank you for inviting me to your, ah, lovely home. Mr Strange, are you going to introduce me to your, erm, delightful friends?
Home? This is no home! If you look out of the window you can see we are now in orbit around your pathetic little planet. You are inside an ego-powered alien war machine! And no, I shall not introduce you to my "friends", they are merely my henchmen are not as important or as interesting as I am.
I hear that, as well as being our future alien overlords, you're also in a band. How's that going?
Indeed. Me and my minions create music with the aim of subverting the worlds youth, turning them into an army of great power. To be perfectly frank, it's not going amazingly well. It appears that you humans also like to form "bands" and create music, this is problematic, as these other bands vie for attention to fuel their gargantuan egos in much the same way we do. It would be much easier if we were the only band on planet earth. .
What kind of music do you play, I do hope it's not some of that dreadful RnB nonsense the children seem so keen on these days?
Fuck that shit! Much like Coldplay and their ilk, RnB is music made for (and by) kids and pedophiles, we don't approve. On our home planet of 'Shanklin' our musical style is known as 'Wanknugget' but on your shitty little planet we have to use words like; "Industrial" "Circus" and "Rock" ...and sometimes we use "Diesel-punk" but only depending if the context of using that phrase may result in more record sales for us, which is rarely. More wine?
Oh just a splash for me thank you. This band of yours does sound a little… unsavory. Wouldn't a few Cliff Richard's covers liven things up a bit?
Don't mock me, human! Your sarcasm makes my nipples hard.
As the monkey tailed gimp waiters bring out the main course, I suspect these gentlemen may have taken unkindly to my Cliff Richard suggestion. Perhaps it is time to change the subject a little…
I hear you sometimes have dancers and circus types with you when you play concerts? I do hope they're the tasteful kind…
Of course they are not! Watching our performers results in a deep feeling of disgust and/or sexual arousal (depending on how perverse you are) so they cannot be described as "tasteful" by any means.
Ooh, now that was a fairly, uh, unique starter. What do we have for our main course?
Oh, we didn't think you be able to survive the 'penis and pube garnish' dish, so we haven't prepared a main course. We do have a few cans of Special Brew somewhere, would you like one? I hear that particular beverage is popular among people of your social standing.
Do you have clowns in your show? I do like a good clown show.
Yes, you could call us clowns. Not your traditional type of clowns though, I mean, I could probably do a cartwheel or something if you move the couch, but that's not what we're about. We did play a childerens party once, but the police were called after we shared some of our 'space-MDMA' with the children, apparently that's not considered acceptable on your planet?
Oh my! I don't think I like that. I'm sure that's not what people want to see these days.
Well the kids seemed pretty happy to me!
This has been a strange evening, and I'm not sure what they've been serving really counts as fit for human consumption, but they have been very polite hosts so far. Dessert arrives rather unconventionally through the lounge window, but looks remarkably like plum duff.
Will you be playing a concert in London some time soon? I'm sure everyone at the Bridge Club would like to come down.
We will be playing London soon, yes! We have a huge show coming up at Club Antichrist on the 24th June, 2011. We suggest to anyone reading this that you should buy tickets immediately!
Thank you for a lovely evening gentlemen, it's been delightful but I think its time I… ARGH! What are you doing with that Giant Death Ray? Why do you even have a Giant Death Ray in your house!? It clashes with the wallpapargghhhh…
