Sinzine

After his recent holiday to Hades, you might think Sex0r has seen the worst that both life, and the after-life, has got.  Turns out though, there are some circles of hell even a very naughty boy can't gain entry to; places to which only Channel 4 producers hold the pass key.  Could time down under have had some redemptive power? And C4's 'The Sex Education Show' hold some shocks even for Sex0r's well-abused system?  Or is he just gutted that some hack pornographer got to corrupt the nation's youth in his absence?


"Hello! I know you've been missing me up there on Earth so you'll be overjoyed to know I'm back. I told you Hell would evict me in the end - turns out one thing that gets you really frowned upon down there is having sex face to face. It was pretty difficult to get through but I used the old chestnut of imagining your Grandmother naked and I managed to finish relatively quickly. I'd ask how you've been but it'd be an insincere gesture so I'll stick with hoping your life is rapidly spiralling downhill and leave it at that.

So, in the week I've been back not much has gone on, which makes a nice change. I was watching a program earlier though which got me thinking quite a lot. It's called The Sex Education show and it's presented by some middle class white woman who advertises anti-dandruff shampoo, but the actual vibe of the show is pretty fantastic. It's all about educating young people about the changes that are going to happen in their body, sexually transmitted infections, and sex itself. And teenagers need to know right? Mainly so they're ready to educate the twins they've already got, but even just passing knowledge can be invaluable.

There was one scene, though, that struck me as... odd. They pulled a group of your typical middle class parents into a room to show them some pornography in order to make them realize the kind of sick shit teenagers want to look at, such as big wobbly tits and designer vaginas. I personally used to whack off to videos of baby seals being turned into coats so I remain open minded, but even I felt bad for the poor cunts at what came next. Firstly, they showed a video of a man fucking a woman. She was making the standard 'Yak giving birth' noise while he pummelled her dry, sandy cudge and he eventually pulled out and shot his load in her face while she tried her hardest not to throw up. So, standard British sexual experience. However, the next video they moved on to was a tad out of the ordinary I thought - she showed them a video of two women fisting each other. I personally love fisting; I especially love fisting something that you wouldn't ordinarily fist, like people with colostomy bags and Nuns. The next video though left me a bit lost for words. They showed the parents TWO GIRLS ONE CUP. Yeh, the viral video depicting all kinds of German delicacies such as pinching a loaf in a cup, chundering, eating said loaf, more chundering, blah blah blah. If you haven't seen it I'm both surprised and insulted - insulted because I'm in it. (I played the cup.)

This to me just seemed really, totally, unnecessarily upsetting for the poor sods. Half of them had never even bothered to watch generic porn before; so I think the mere suggestion that such acts had been filmed was a complete mind fuck. One of them got up, walked out and cried, which I think wasn't a reaction to the video and was actually Catholic guilt because she had more of a reaction 'twixt her thighs to that video than her husband's been able to cause in 20 years. She just had that look in her eye, y'know? Anyway. What I thought was most obscene about this experiment though, was that the parents were genuinely perplexed, horrified and appalled at the content of totally average porn. Vaginal intercourse and group sex is still shocking to these people? That worried me more than when I'm throttling someone so they'll give me their wallet and they go purple and collapse. We've discussed my thoughts on going to prison.

Now, I personally am the most open minded person about sex you'll ever encounter. I don't give a fuck what gets you off, as long as you pay me. I must admit though, I did find it really infuriating that these people weren't more comfortable with being sexual and exploring new things and keeping a level head about what kind of sex their kids are into. The technology behind sex toys these days is mind boggling, people have never been more curious or willing to try out new shit. I've seen old couples walking around Soho carrying all kinds of different bags, no doubt containing an array of crotchless panties, inflatable butt plugs and that weird tingly jelly you put on your bits to make them feel like they're on fire, and I think that's sweet, healthy and lovely. It proves that sex doesn't vanish from your mind as you age - old couples who still bone make me smile. Teenagers who bone make me angry because you know they're doing it wrong and it makes you wish you could take them home and teach them yourself. I'd teach them to lick the fondant out of a Creme Egg without breaking the shell and then do the same thing to my ass. Only with the colour of the fondant reversed. If you get them young they have less of a solid moral compass you see, so you can get them to do fucking ANYTHING. But I digress.

See, I'd like to think it won't be long before society is so sexually liberal that dressing up as Anne Frank and asking a muscular, blonde man to hold a gun down your throat while he spanks your tight teenage pussy with a paddle that imprints 'Zyklon B' on it will be typical second date behaviour. (Too far? Read the uncensored version of her diary, she was a filthy little cumdump and we all know it.) But how are we ever going to become that comfortable when supposedly modern parents aren't even aware of what the porn industry's pumping into their offspring? I was raised by a sticky thigh-ed, flea ridden slapper so sex, to me, was always an open subject and I seem to have done alright with it so far. So, with that kind of upbringing under my belt, for me it's a reasonable no brainer that if parents want to stay on top of what their kids are doing in order to be able to give the best parenting and advice, then surely they need to get doing it themselves. I mean, they don't need to jack off 6 times a day and throw condoms out the window to avoid getting caught red handed (ha!) but I do think they need to really get involved with what their kids are learning on the internet in a real way.

I mean, can you imagine how much of a shock aversion it would be to load up your favourite porn site while your parents are out at salsa class, click the first link, only to be confronted with a hidden camera video of your Dad shooting a hot, sticky wad of boy batter on your Mum's puffy old lady nipples? Immediate Mr Floppy and soul destroying, bollock shrinking realization that sex happens everywhere, in all shapes, and all sizes, and all manners, and as long as it's safe, sane and consensual (boring but whatever) then it's fine. Like shitting in a cup? Fine. Want to wear a nappy and make cooing noises at a woman you pay to call Mummy? Fine. Want to dress up like an elf and hit each other with foam swords? Not fine, you're a fucking moron and I want to peel your eyelids over the top of your head and rub toilet bleach into your eyeballs. I'm aware that last one isn't about sex but I just wanted to cram that one in there because LARPers need to be put out of their fucking misery and I refuse to write an entire column about them because that gives their existence a minor amount of validity.

I am being serious though when I say that if you're too squeamish to talk, educate, discuss and encourage healthy sexual behaviour then you shouldn't have been attempting it in the fucking first place. The Dutch are on to something and I think we need to catch up before every fucking 35 year old in the country is a Grandparent to a tiny premature baby that's addicted to crack. Just sayin'.

I'm off now though, my Grandkid needs a fix."