Married but "pretty much" identifying as a lesbian and getting her kinky kicks playing both top and bottom, Alyss Abyss is a self-confessed "greedy cow" when it comes to sex and romance. In this article, she describes how polyamory caters to the desires of a girl with more fetishes than one partner can fulfil - as well as those of her husband and her girlfriend, and also offers advice from experience to readers wanting to have their cake and eat it.
It's not really a surprise that I'm writing an article about polyamory and how it fits into my life, including its context within a BDSM setting as I've been interested in some sort of poly lifestyle since I was 18. Firstly, though, I feel I should define poly in its many forms before talking about my personal lifestyle.
Poly can refer to many types of relationship setup, although, in simple terms, it refers to having multiple partners. People who describe themselves as polyamorous are referring to loving more than one person. There are other terms such as ethical non-monogamy, which incorporate the grey areas of poly, including multiple play partners in a kink setting, having friends with benefits, having an open relationship and all other kinds of multiple partner relationship. The difference between poly and cheating is that people are in full knowledge of the setup they are within. Everyone should be open and honest. It’s an ethical setup. Like all relationships, there are ups and downs, good things and bad, and it’s not for everyone but I’m going to talk to you about my experiences and thoughts, with some insight from my friends, partners and acquaintances.
If you’ve read my other pieces, you’ll have probably realised by now that I am an ethical non-monogamist. I have two romantic relationships that have no hierarchy and both my husband and my girlfriend mean the world to me. I get to share my love with them both and not feel the confinement of monogamy. It also means that, even though I pretty much identify as a lesbian, I don’t have to cheat or leave my husband to satisfy my desires to be with women. Sure, I don’t have to have more than him in my life but I also know I won’t ever look back in regret either. It’s not always been easy; when I was younger, I found polyamory very difficult and thought I wasn’t cracked up for it, that I was too jealous, too needy and too dependant for it to work. Looking back, I think it was more about me needing to grow up and develop emotionally, as well as possibly to do with the person involved but, at the time, I was sure it wasn’t for me so tried to get my bisexuality out of my system before I got married as I fully intended to be monogamous and faithful. Clearly not the best idea. When I met my girlfriend, it was a huge adjustment to my previous way of thinking but most things came quite naturally and, generally, it’s been quite easy.
What never occurred to me when I was younger was how this could benefit my kinky desires too. I supposed I’d never really thought that hard about kink either. Over recent years, I have identified as a switch, knowing that I like to give and receive. My husband is generally a top. He’s not a masochist either really. Another thing that I could just ignore but why not explore my own sadistic top side? My girlfriend is also a switch and when we got together, we were both very open to seeing where the dynamic went, both of us thinking we could maybe get the best of both worlds from each other….how wrong could we be?! As time has passed, it has become more and more obvious that we cannot switch with each other. Again, I have found myself in the position of bottom and, more recently, submissive. I get different things from each of them, as my dynamics vary a lot. For example, the mere thought of being submissive with my husband has me in fits of giggles. It also makes sense that he himself has a second partner where his dynamic is very different; he’s still a top but a different kind with her, in ways that I would not want from him and can’t give him. We don’t just expect one person to be our all and we all benefit from this lack of pressure. Still, you might be thinking that I’m a switch with no one of my own to abuse and that is true, although maybe not for much longer! I wasn’t looking for someone else to fill a gap; I don’t even feel it desperately needs filling but when someone approached me, I talked to my partners and we agreed; why not? So I may have found myself a play partner. It’s still at its fledgling stages and we’ve not played together yet but, if all goes well, I will have a bottom of my own to abuse.
It’s not all about having different people for different things in my life either. Or about keeping it all separate either. I am very lucky to have two tops who get on well and compliment each other because then I have the times that we will all play together and they co-top with each other. My most recent experience of this was at a play event whilst on holiday in San Francisco (an amazing city for kink). We often attend events together and don’t always play but, seeing as we were on holiday we thought it best to make use of a dedicated venue that we just don’t have an equivalent to here in the UK. I can’t speak for them but it was hot as hell playing with both of them; my exhibitionist side was satisfied, the modest part of me was embarrassed (in a kinky way) and I got to feel like a princess with attention focused on me from more than one person, albeit a very abused, battered and bruised one. Without poly in my life, I just wouldn’t have mind blowing experiences like this, with the added fact I love both of them just making it more awesome! They also seem to really enjoy plotting together and have said it can be a help having an extra pair of hands to deal with me!
It doesn’t always work out though; there can by times that you want to play with everyone but you can’t. I have both my girlfriend and my prospective play partner going to the same play party and I’d love to play with both of them but don’t want to spread myself too thinly, plus I just don’t think I can switch from top to bottom headspace that quickly. There are people who will play as middles, being ordered to do bad things to another and I could see this working but not in this situation. It can also be tough if you have different dynamics with your partners. It’s not happened with me yet but if, as a submissive, you are under orders, that can cause problems for the other top in your life, depending what those orders are. Or it can be even more fun. It’s all about communication!
Now, I’m sure some of you are thinking that I’m just a bit of a greedy cow, or a jammy bastard or having my cake and eating it and I suppose you’d be right but at least I’m doing this in a respectful, open and honest manner. I spend time worrying that I could be hurting people, I have my guilty moments where I wonder if I’m spreading myself too thinly and not giving enough to those I care about but I’d like to think that anyone I’m involved with would be honest enough to let me know. Communication is key to this working and having to be open and honest, not only with yourself but by those around you too. It’s not always easy but no relationship is.
This is all just my personal experience; talk to others on the scene and they may have very different ones. I am very lucky and this set up works for me. I don’t expect it would work for everyone; some people want to experience everything with one person. Others want to experience things that one partner cannot give them, if it’s a limit for them or just something they don’t want to do. For instance, I’ve heard people tell me they have a rope top and a daddy; they get what they want from different people. Or you may be in a vanilla relationship but know that kink is important to you. As long as everyone is open and honest and knows where they stand, I think it is ok. We’re all consenting adults at the end of the day. If you’re thinking of opening up your relationship for the first time though, whether just for play or more emotionally than that, I’d really recommend reading some stuff out there. There’s some very good books, podcasts, blogs and other resources out there if you do a quick internet search or I’m more than happy to give you my personal recommendations.
